Unholy anger used to be one of mine until God freed me. How is anger fear based? Because under every unholy anger outburst is repressed hidden fear.
I spoke about burying my fears and numbing my pain, in this previous post. One of the repercussions of not healing my
childhood survival anger was that it eventually grew into unholy adulthood anger. Then sporadic bouts of rage became habitually infused into parts of my everyday
life. There came a point when I believed I was never going to be freed of this bondage.
Unholy ‘anger' by its very nature can feel powerful and in a
twisted misperception it can make a wounded soul feel like they’re in control,
but gratefully God loved me too much to let me stay stuck in this unholy anger.
It took many trials, of God patiently permitting Satan and his evil dominions, to subtly turn the
patches of my dry barren land, with all its hidden fears and unresolved grief into their personal playgrounds
before I could courageously face and overcome these painful childhood realities, through Christ's persistent strength and love.
I’m
sorry to tell you this, but there isn’t a single personality type out there who
won’t be susceptible to the same victimization if loss and grief go
unacknowledged or unresolved in their lives.
In my case, this unholy
anger became my new best friend -- my security blanket -- my protection --
my shield -- my strength from way way back in my early childhood. I came to believe this false sense of security over many many years. Unfortunately, my younger teenage self had become trapped aka enslaved and blinded by years of unresolved grief and loss, and I WAS CLUELESS.
I took on the false belief and inner vow that being an angry, insensitive, unlovable, and unwanted person was just a permanent part of my identity. Even after
years of counseling, while much of the pain and guilt, and shame around my alcoholic family were
addressed, this tremendous childhood loss and grief went completely
unacknowledged and unresolved, until my early midlife years.
I went on living this lie for a large part of
my adulting life until I started doing some inner healing work to break
those inner vows. I was able to become even more detached
from these lies after I attended a grief support group at my church,
and was made aware for the first time of my huge unacknowledged childhood
losses. In the counselor’s words, “My childhood identity was ripped away
from me”. Those were really strong words. It was during that season that I came to the
full realization of how those old patterns of childhood survival that grew
into adult-sized habits had stopped working a long long time ago.
There was a
very wounded and afraid part of me that had been carrying a very very heavy
load of unreasonable guilt, unacknowledged loss, and unresolved grief for far too long!
That load
was toxic and only served to poison the people around me, in
particular the people I loved the most in my life. This also
meant loving my neighbor as myself (Matthew 22:39) had become
very problematic. Today my remorseful heart aches for those who had
to walk lightly on eggshells around my “vacillator love
style”. I pray they will come to forgive me as
the Holy Spirit continues to heal those hidden fears and wounds, in all of us.
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I pray you found what you were needing today. Please leave a comment below, I would love to hear how this post might have been helpful for you.
Remember you are not alone! No matter what you’ve done or failed to do you are still loved unconditionally by a very merciful and just Lord and Savior!
May God Bless You,
Leslie
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