What hidden wounds have you diagnosed?

 Another commonality of identifying as an ATCK is that we often suffer from the hidden wound of never knowing where we belong. 

As an ATCK, I certainly was no exception. This one hidden wound of not belonging has plagued me my whole life. I distinctly remember a time when this hidden wound reared its ugly head with blinding consequences.

It was back when Facebook was first created and I desperately went on a search for as many of my childhood classmates as I could find.  During that process, the most unexpected series of events happened, that completely blindsided me. 

As more and more classmates started joining our Facebook group and we were reconnecting I noticed I could not understand their conversations. The slang they now spoke, was really difficult to understand and next to impossible to read. The local places they spoke about meeting up for group events… I had no clue what they were talking about. The carnival, fêtes, and other local festivities that were a big part of their daily lives were not even on my radar. 

I was living a very different lifestyle now.  

I felt like such an outsider. I didn't belong anymore.

Then I started noticing they were inviting people to join our Facebook group, who weren’t even from our class in school. People I had no prior relationship with, but were actually friends and classmates of my siblings. 

My former classmates had befriended these people in the years after I left. The life I once knew had moved on, and I was no longer a part of it. Looking back that was truly more than I could bear.  The 'home' that was once a lifeline for me during my childhood, no longer existed.  

Unfortunately, that unacknowledged wound of not belonging stayed hidden under layers aka years of loss and unresolved grief for far too long after permanently moving to my passport country.

Not only did this have negative implications in my current adult relationships but also within my own body which definitely kept the score.  This is a topic I have addressed in other posts.

What about you dear sojourner, have you considered that your current ailments might be from unresolved grief, loss, or an unhealed hidden wound?

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I pray you found what you needed today. Please leave a comment below, I would love to continue this conversation and understand how it might have been helpful for you.

 

May God Bless You,

Leslie

What are your masks?

One of the commonalities of identifying as an ATCK is that we become very adept at learning how to hide under numerous masks.

When I first read about this I thought, "Me? Have masks? No way!" I was always confident that I was an open book. Upon further examination, though I've come to realize I was not as transparent as I thought or as other people used to say.  

Actually for decades after moving permanently to my passport country, I've only recently started unpacking the numerous masks I had learned to put on, starting all the way back during my first year here when I attended twelfth grade of an American high school, and the following decades after going to an American University.

I wish I could say those were joy-filled and easy years, but unfortunately, that was far from my case.  During the first decade of my repatriation I would say I encountered some of my most traumatizing and painful experiences. Some of these were of my own choosing, but they all came from a desperate place to be accepted and a deep need to belong in this foreign land. 

 

However, in trying to navigate those incredibly difficult years with nowhere to go, and no one to help me process all my confusion, unresolved grief, pain, emotions, and suffering, I mastered the art of posturing, with many many masks, under a deeply hidden sheet of fear, and a heavy heavy blanket of anger. 

While my anger intensified, I unknowingly became a terrible listener.  All my unrealistic expectations of others grew into bitterness, and being judgmental and harsh. I had no desire to stop and understand others’ perspectives because I was too busy trying to blend in and be accepted. I truly lacked self-awareness, which I now tenderly call being “introspectively challenged.”  

Ironically the more I thought I was blending in, the more I gradually morphed, from someone who was once known as “kind and sweet” in her teenage developmental years to someone who was now being labeled as a “big personality”, “too much”, "too intense", “too angry”, "too insensitive”, among several other negative labels.

Those negative labels led to even deeper wounds in my body and soul. Unfortunately I not only started listening them but after time I started believing they were true. Those lies and false beliefs slowly and silently seeped into the core of my identity, which made for a lot of toxic relationships, with God, myself, and others over the past forty years of my life.  

You could say as I adapted to others' negative labels of me, I slowly mastered the art of posturing, all in an attempt to keep those external labels under control.  Well, at least that’s what I thought because, in reality, the posturing turned out to be nothing more than a cheap cover in attempt to hide my addictive behavior patterns, which provided zero self control. 

As an imposter I became very proficient at using different methods of self-medication, such as eating, TV, social media, impulsive shopping, compulsive cleaning and busyness, which I know now were my wounded attempts to numb and steer the fear and pain away!  Tragically one of the greatest consequences of my years of self-medicating was the growing number of hidden God-holes I had silently carved into my body and soul. In retrospect I can see that my self-medicating habits were nothing more than attempts to satiate these all consuming God-holes with ungodly self-reliance, pride, escapism, and selfishness.

Decades of wearing so many different masks made me became more and more blind to my own emotions and very adept at living in other people's feelings and circumstances.

It was almost 38 years after living in my passport country when the Lord put a holy and beautiful grief counselor into my life, named Charmiel.  She helped me to see, for the very first time, that "my entire childhood identity was ripped away from me!!!"  Those were very strong words Charmiel used, and as she spoke these words out loud to me, they reached a part of me that NO ONE, not even my husband, has ever reached. Honestly it was a Holy Spirit moment that left me speechless. Charmiel proceeded to gently point out how I was never given the proper support and resources that I desperately needed to help process my repatriation. 

Fortunately today there is more awareness, support and wonderful resources to assist TCKs in processing their transitions from traumatic changes and circumstances to all the suppressed emotions that came along with each one! 

My inability to process the emotions had been compounded by the fact that emotional literacy was never taught or practiced in my disengaged family of origin growing up.  So it wasn't until well into my second half of life that I’ve begun unpacking the impact that these past transitions had in my life and I’m learning how to gently regulate those suppressed emotions.   

I'm still very much a work in progress, but immensely grateful, to our good Lord for walking alongside me as I heal these deeply hidden wounds.

Dear sojourner, would you please join me in saying a quick prayer of gratitude to God for Mrs. Charmiel Teresi, the blessed grief counselor who was one of the first people to reach the very core of my wounded soul and put me on a path of incredible healing. Thank you!

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I pray you found what you needed today. Please leave a comment below, I would love to continue this conversation and understand how it might have been helpful for you.

 

May God Bless You,

Leslie

Have you met St. Padre Pio?

 

I was first introduced to St. Padre Pio during a season of Advent many many years ago by a generous lady we affectionately called “Granny Jan”.  

It was also during that Advent season when I learned that she was a former nurse and retired after being diagnosed with cancer. During her healing and recovery, she developed a deep devotion to both our Lady of Perpetual Help and St. Padre Pio. Both of which Granny Jan has now blessed our home and family with through gorgeous artwork and blessed sacramentals. 

She happen to introduce us to St. Padre Pio during a scary time when one of my kids had suffered a misfortunate accident and had gotten quite a severe concussion. Granny Jan heard about the incident and insisted on giving us her second-class relic of St. Pio. We humbly took the relic and blessed our child who recovered quickly without any complications. Praise God!

 

Afterward, I became very curious about this Saint and I began reading books, magazines, newsletters, and prayer cards and watched a couple movies about him.  

I came to learn quite a bit about this incredible mystical capuchin monk, priest, and now Saint.  I fell in love with him immediately and Granny Jan was so thrilled that she gifted us with this absolutely beautiful 3-foot outdoor statue of Padre Pio (see photo above).  

 

I think one of the first things that made me feel connected to him was when I read about his temper.  Apparently, St. Padre Pio had little tolerance for certain things, such as ladies coming to the confessional dressed immodestly. It got to the point that his brother monks had to screen the people who came to see him for confession. 

On the other hand, St. Padre Pio was also known to be as gentle as a lamb. He showed such tender love as noted in his letters, conversations, and the many supernatural visits he had with different eyewitnesses. All of whom became his very devoted spiritual children.  Reading about St. Padre Pio’s encounters was not only warm and caring but so admirably attractive and so enlightening. 

 

He was also well known for bearing the wounds of Christ through the stigmata. And he could celebrate Masses that would last for hours.  Could you imagine? That must have been amazing to be present at one of his Masses! St. Pio has developed an intimate relationship with his Guardian Angel since childhood and people testified hearing him having arguments with his Guardian Angel when he was an adult. I got such a chuckle and immense joy in reading those stories about him. 

St. Pio also had many long and exhausting nights in his cell battling Satan and his evil dominions.  Many years later when I was learning more about different types of torments that evil spirits manifest, this one God permitted with St. Pio we’re called ‘vexations’.   On the other hand, St. Pio was witnessed having many many beautiful encounters and ecstasies with the Christ-child Jesus and our Lady, Mother Mary. 

 

It quickly became obvious St. Pio was granted several extraordinary supernatural charisms and he used them to help save many many souls.  Honestly, I could read stories about him, all day long! He helped so many people from all over the world and from all walks of faith and from so many different generations. 

St. Pio definitely helped me to get another perspective on who was each person of the blessed Holy Trinity, and what Heaven and Hell were like.  His intimate encounters with each Heavenly being gave me glimpses into what an intimate relationship with our Lord could actually look like.   

 

This past Advent season I have enjoyed getting reacquainted with this amazing supernaturally gifted, mystical priest from the past, through each of these delightful daily devotions. 

Somehow being inspired by each day’s readings and prayers I have felt strongly compelled and convicted to write this post and introduce you to this powerful Saint.  My prayer is that you too will come to know a side of God through St. Padre Pio’s life, which will deepen your desire to know, love, and serve God more.  If you don’t know much about St. Padre Pio, I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend getting to know him better. His intercessory prayers are supernaturally powerful! ❤️🙏

Today, dear reader I’m asking a favor.  Could you please say a quick prayer for Granny Jan who introduced me to this incredible Saint? 

St. Padre Pio to pray for us.

 

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I pray you found what you were needing today. Please leave a comment below, I would love to hear how this post might have been helpful for you.

 Remember you are not alone! No matter what you’ve done or failed to do you are still loved unconditionally by a very merciful and just Lord and Savior!

May God Bless You,

Leslie

What's holding you back?

 

This past Advent I’ve really enjoyed spending the season preparing for Christmas with one of my favorite saints. There were several daily readings where I got such consolation and insight into what God was doing in my life right now. And they all came through different stories about this Saint.  These moments of joy-filled encounters with the Holy Spirit through this saint kept bringing back a conversation I had this past year with a dear woman. 

During this conversation, we were discussing in particular her conversion from being an atheist to a now-proclaimed agnostic. Which was a big step forward for her. For sure.  However, during that conversation, she made two statements that have been coming back to me throughout this Advent season.

 

While discussing with her how God was working in her life, the first statement she made was she could see how something bigger than her was watching over her, but she had no desire to be affiliated with any churches or institutions right now in her life. Primarily I think it was because she didn’t want any hypocritical people telling her what she should or shouldn’t be doing. I think considering where she was in her transformation that statement was “fair enough”.  I too remember from personal experience not wanting to be controlled by a bunch of hypocrites who thought their church and rules were the right and only way.  

Today, I look back and see how those thoughts really came from a place of fear, ignorance, and pride on my part.  For one there are zero perfect people whether that be in a church or institution or society. Since we all fall short, no better place to grow and become healed than in a community of like-minded people. I also had to come to the realization that the process of converting to Christianity doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, education, awareness, and actual life experiences with God, self, and others. 

I learned over time that this conversion from agnostic to Christianity is one that can never be done alone.   We human beings were created for communion not to live and grow in isolation. God knows that better than we do. So it makes total sense as to why He had to send His only son, the second person of the Trinity, to come to earth to complete what His chosen people imperfectly started and could never finish. Before ascending to the right hand of the Father of course he established ONE, holy, catholic, and apostolic church. This was the only way for all His present and future generations of disciples could grow and develop in objective Truth. 

 In time I pray God will continue to place the right people, situations, and circumstances in this dear woman’s path to help her take the next right step forward.

 

Back to the conversation, it was this dear woman’s second statement that concerned me the most. Unfortunately, it’s one I’ve heard too many times from ignorant people.  She adamantly stated she did not believe in "saints or anything supernatural, nor would she ever".  It was the tone she used that really stood out to me. One of obstinacy and pride.

I felt bad for her because one of the most profound impacts on my faith journey has been the stories told about beautiful mystical encounters these people from the past have had with the supernatural world.  It was through their life experiences that I have grown to better understand my faith, how the Catholic Masses play such a vital role in our salvation, how the Eucharist is food for our souls, and most importantly how to have an intimate relationship with our triune God. 

I remember a time when I struggled with what an intimate relationship with God was even supposed to look like.  Why? Because if I was already stuck at maintaining close relationships with my family and friends in my current life, how in the world was I supposed to have one with God?  Honestly, if it hadn’t been for the biographies and testimonies left behind for us to read. The stories of how different saints showed up and overcame struggles while here on earth, I would be SO lost today. 

 

Of course, God has brought devout people, priests, and nuns into my life, who have each helped me to grow in my faith. However, these people are still on this side of Heaven which means they have not overcome their own sinful faults,  failings, and trials. There’s no guarantee they are going to Heaven to be with God for all eternity. It would be foolish to assume just because they’ve been baptized and are subjectively ‘good’ people that their lives and examples are trustworthy.

 

That being said, having the biographies and testimonies of devout people who have had their earthly lives evaluated through a beatification process, which means they lived in a manner that was in alignment with the teachings of the Scriptures and the Magisterium of Jesus’s Church, offers me more reliability and trustworthiness to follow their examples. These saintly people who were from all walks of life have been incredibly instrumental in my own growth as a Christian in the Catholic Church. They’ve shown me a better understanding of who God is; how He lives outside of time; what He expects from us during our time here on earth; what Eternal life could actually look like; how to use our free will in alignment with God’s will; and so so much more.

I pray down the road this dear woman’s heart will soften and she will be able to be more open-minded in learning more about our Creator from the creatures that once lived on this side of Heaven and all the beings that now live closest to Him in Heaven for all eternity.  

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I pray you found what you were needing today. Please leave a comment below, I would love to hear how this post might have been helpful for you.

 Remember you are not alone! No matter what you’ve done or failed to do you are still loved unconditionally by a very merciful and just Lord and Savior!

May God Bless You,

Leslie

Have bad things happened to you?

Yes, absolutely!  Maybe the better question is how do you cope when bad things happen to you?

Almost a decade ago there was a season in my life when I thought I was drowning and suffocating in a series of bad things. For almost five consecutive Fall and Winter months, I was hit with one major tragedy (painful life experience) after another from the brain surgery of a parent, to the serious motorcycle accident of my child, to the unexpected suicide of a close friend, to the death of two loved family members.
 
It was during that time, I was given this quote by St. Teresa of Calcutta…

…while these wise words did offer some comfort, they didn’t stop the silent negative impact these events were having on my already existing seasonal affective disorder. I remember being completely exasperated and desperate for a break, after the fifth year in a row.  To this day the Fall and Winter seasons are still quite difficult for me.
 
I prayed so many times during those difficult years, pleading and asking our Lord, "Why did I have to experience all these bad things in my life and when were they ever going to stop?!” I remember thinking if there was some kind of lesson God wanted me to learn I just wished I’d hurry up and learn it so He could stop “kissing me”.  I would beg Him for some kind of neon sign or two-by-four to hit me over the head so I could get the clarity I obviously wasn't learning yet and the relief I was desperately needing! 
 
Fortunately, an unexpected answer to my desperate prayers finally came during the summer of 2019 after spending an unusual amount of time covering many Adorations, for guardians who were not able to attend their regularly scheduled weekly hours.

 

That incredible summer I was introduced to this beautiful soul, aka kindred spirit, called Sonja Corbitt. Known as the Bible study Evangelista! 

Sonja happened to be one of the presenters at the Archdiocese of Atlanta’s Eucharistic Congress. She apparently made quite an impression on several of the parishioners from my church that were able to hear her talk. It was their enthusiasm that piqued my curiosity so I did some research of my own and learned that Sonja happened to be a convert to the Catholic faith from a southern Baptist denomination. Just like my husband and me!
 
I found not only her application of the Scriptures through her L.O.V.E. the Word program, but her extensive knowledge of Biblical and Church history, as taught through all her books and Bible studies, to be such incredible gifts to all of us Catholics.  Actually, to all of us Christians!!

So, what does that have to do with my desperate prayers and suffering?

 

Well during Sonja’s talk at the Eucharistic Congress, she alluded to a Father's wound. In doing some more research the Holy Spirit led me to this incredible recording online of Sonja’s complete life-changing story about healing the Father's wound.
 
Afterward, I felt the Holy Spirit immediately convict me as to the reasons why all those tragedies, injustices, and life pop quizzes had been permitted not only over the past five years but throughout my lifetime to date.
 
Sonja’s talk helped me to see that I was not only saved and made holy through prayer, the Eucharist, and the sacraments of the Church but “God was sanctifying me mainly through the sacrament of living… whatever happens to me — good or evil — all God asks is that I face it whether it is just or unjust, logical or illogical, reasonable or unreasonable”.
 
It didn’t mean I had to condone the evil inflicted on me or agree with the injustices that were done or put on masks to try and cover the pain and suffering. All I was asked to do was face them and only, when possible, change them.
 
Every time I disassociated and masqueraded to avoid facing the pains, fears, and hurt of the emotional realities, I had suffered yesterday, today, and tomorrow, I was like “the dog who returns to its vomit” (Proverbs 26:11) and this was definitely not following God’s will in my life.  My vomit may have looked different than Sonja’s, but like all vomit, it destroys the relationships in our lives!!
 
This ultimately meant that I needed to acknowledge all my fears and the emotional pains associated with past unresolved grief, losses, tragedies, and unjust circumstances. In theory, this sounded super easy, but in actual application, it definitely has not been!
Then some years later the Holy Spirit led me down another deeper healing path where I learned how to find the root causes aka uncover the thoughts behind each of my inflictions.
 
I’ve learned that not only was “this how I was going to carry my own cross through the Garden of Gethsemane with Jesus”, but this was how I could 'set my neighbor free'.
Did you know purgatory is something we can all do on this side of Heaven? And it can actually be more meritorious. This has been a reprieving thought I hang onto whenever I’m faced with carrying another cross through my garden with Jesus. 
 
I was reassured this was not a purgative journey that needed to wait until after my death, nor was it ever going to be one I could do on my own. It has been a journey of redemptive healing that I take with our Lord, one day at a time.  Ultimately this is now my welcomed redemptive suffering.

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 I pray you found what you were needing today. Please leave a comment below, I would love to hear how this post might have been helpful for you.

 Remember you are not alone! No matter what you’ve done or failed to do you are still loved unconditionally by a very merciful and just Lord and Savior!

May God Bless You,

Leslie

What are you grateful for this season?

 

There are many things I can thank God for this season! However, in today's story, I want to tell you about someone very dear that came into my life many many years ago. I am immensely grateful for her 'yes' to God.  She was a very generous lady, who fondly became known to our family and close friends as “Granny Jan” and she will forever be remembered in our prayers.

This divine intervention began after one of those humbling Sunday mornings when all my kiddos were still very young.  Our family had been running a little late that morning trying to corral everyone out the door and into the van, to get to Mass on time.  I believe one of the kids couldn’t find matching shoes, another child needed to run back inside to go potty last minute, and another somehow managed to sneak into the van unnoticed during all the mayhem.  Needless to say, when we arrived at the church, this child gave us quite an eclectic fashion show.  Thinking back on that day, I am chuckling now, but I'm pretty sure that morning I did not think it was very funny.  

On top of that, just as we walked through the doors, the Mass captain approached our family and asked if we could please light the candles on the Advent wreath at the beginning of Mass. Do you know where the Advent wreath is situated?  Yup, right up front!!  Of all the Sunday Masses, it had to be that one!  Right? Let’s just say standing up in front of the entire congregation was quite humbling and knocked my vanity and pride down a couple notches.

 

After Mass, this lady came up to our family, introduced herself, and told me she had been incredibly blessed by watching our whole family up on the altar lighting the Advent wreath candles.  At first, I just thought she was being nice because anyone could see the disheveled state our family was in that morning. But for whatever reason that morning God chose to use our family to answer her prayers and bring her great hope.  She went on to tell me she had been quite depressed about things in her life, and that morning she started questioning God on her purpose in life when suddenly she saw our family go up to light the Advent wreath candles. When she told me this I was stunned and knew right away this was one of those Holy Spirit-zapping moments. 

I thanked Granny Jan from the bottom of my heart and gave her one of my sincerest hugs.  Then as we walked her out to her car, she turned and asked me what Mass our family typically attended.  She said she had wanted to bring something and needed help.  I sincerely thought at the moment, "Well she must need help getting something to the staff at my parish."  Since I was a regular parishioner and she was a visitor who had just befriended us, I wanted to help her in any way I could. So I told her what Mass we would be attending the following week, we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

 

The next week, to my surprise, there was Granny Jan, waiting for us in the narthex after Mass.  She asked me if I could help her with something that was in the back of her car, so I followed her out. As she was pulling out this beautiful, framed painting of the Holy Family, and a bag full of prayer cards and other Catholic paraphernalia, she turned to me and thanked me profusely for giving her the hope she was desperately needing, then handed me the items and said they were gifts for MY family.  Again, I was stunned because I honestly thought she was gifting them to our church staff?!! Granny Jan,  reassured me it was not, she wanted our family to have these gifts.  I learned she was downsizing from her big home to a small retirement apartment and part of her depression was not being able to take these family heirlooms with her. Granny Jan had a distant son, who was married but they had no children. She then asked if I would be open to taking some more of her Catholic heirlooms into my home?  Again, I was speechless, and I graciously accepted her generous offer.

 

Granny Jan had a gift for being drawn to antique Catholic sacramentals that were being sold in flea markets and estate sales. This ultimately meant over the next couple of months, our home was blessed with many beautiful framed paintings, statues, artwork, crucifixes, and different holy Catholic sacramentals. One was the beautiful Byzantine Lamp (see photo above) that she had inherited from her deceased husband, who went to the Greek Orthodox church when he was alive. 

 

What Granny Jan did not know at that time, was that God had actually used her to answer a prayer of mine!!  From the time we first converted to the Catholic faith, I held in the depths of my heart a deep desire. The only Catholic reminders we owned at that time were a crucifix and a Catholic Bible which had been gifted to us by our RCIA sponsors. Since my husband and I were the only Catholics on both sides of the family, I had secretly prayed to God to help me Catholicize my home someday. I grew up in a non-churched home with many artifacts from places my parents had visited but honestly with the exception of a handful that reminded me of my childhood home, and a couple of my mom's original paintings, these meant nothing to me.  I wanted to be surrounded by paintings, statues, and Catholic sacramentals that all reminded me of one thing.  My final destination which with God's grace, mercy, and justice will be Heaven, forever! I'm grateful for the daily reminders of who I want to live with, and where I want to go, to be in supreme happiness for all of eternity. 

Today I can joyfully say when you come to my home you will know without a shadow of a doubt that we are a Catholic family.   I thank God every day for sending “Granny Jan” into our lives during that special Advent and Christmas season.  She had answered a prayer of mine that I held close to my heart for over ten years.

Today, dear reader I would like to ask you to please say a quick prayer for Granny Jan.  Please don't forget to thank God for always answering your prayers. I promise you from experience, He ALWAYS does in His own loving, merciful way and perfect perfect timing. 

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I pray you found what you were needing today. Please leave a comment below, I would love to hear how this post might have been helpful for you.

 Remember you are not alone! No matter what you’ve done or failed to do you are still loved unconditionally by a very merciful and just Lord and Savior!

May God Bless You,

Leslie