During the first couple of years, after our family transferred permanently to the United States, I encountered several traumatizing and painful experiences. Some were of my own choosing as I was desperate to be accepted and find a place where I belonged in this foreign land. Unfortunately in trying to navigate those incredibly difficult years with nowhere to process my confusion, pain, and suffering, I mastered the art of masquerading, which led to a lot of wounding.
Over years of putting on so many different masks, I became blind to my own emotions and very adept at living in other people's feelings and circumstances. I lacked true self-awareness, which I now tenderly call being “introspectively challenged.” I became a terrible listener with harsh and unrealistic expectations of others. I had little desire to understand others’ perspectives because I was too busy agreeing with their values and ‘playing the part’ to blend in.
I gradually morphed, from someone who was once known as “kind and sweet” in her earlier teen years to an adult who was called a “big personality”, “too much”, and "too intense", among several other negative labels. During my adulting years, I had become a novice at masquerading, as I played the part of being loud, strong, bold, and pretending I had everything under control, all the while trying to suppress my emotions and feelings more and more. In the end, all that did was cause me to master different methods of self-medication to try and numb the fear and pain while continually filling my growing God-holes with ungodly self-reliance, pride, escapism, and selfishness.
It wasn’t until many years later before I became aware of the fact, that my young teenage self hadn't even really begun adjusting to this foreign land, until well after my parents had moved permanently to Texas, and I ended up at Florida State University where I met my wonderful husband.
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I pray you found what you were needing today. Please leave a comment below, I would love to hear how this post might have been helpful for you.
Remember you are not alone! No matter what you’ve done or failed to do you are still loved unconditionally by a very merciful and just Lord and Savior!
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